Parenting on pause

A teen who mows down people in his luxury car, an infant whose parent changes her sex… Is it time such parents lost custody? Anuradha Varma reports

A child who is sexually or physically abused at home, infant girls who are surgically transformed into boys at their parents’ behest, a child who has access to a chauffeur-driven car and iPod but is sent to school without a bath or breakfast… Is it time for parents to be held accountable and have their parenting rights questioned?

In the West, social workers from Child Protection Services investigate cases of neglect and abuse and retain custody of children found living in an hostile environment. In India, while the Child Welfare Committee is vested with similar authority, it treads carefully. Says Raj Mangal Prasad, chairperson, CWC, “In India, parents treat children as their property. We have to do a balancing act. There are kids who complain that their parents are not providing them an Internet connection or being late with their school fees. Any child above the age of seven can have his say in the courts.”

The Salaam Balak Trust, which looks after runaway children, dealt with 450 runaways last year alone. Says AK Tiwari, “Most were victims of physical abuse. They may have been sexually abused as well. We try and rehabilitate them with their families, but in many cases, we realise they have to stay away.”

Explains Ajay Sinha, Policy Advocacy, CRY, “The Juvenile Justice Act has a concept of ‘fit institution’. Even a family can be classified as ‘not a fit institution’ for the child by the concerned CWC. If sex change operations have indeed been conducted on children, the CWC of that area can and should take suo-moto cognisance of the cases. Children have a right to identity, derived from the right to life. But a note of caution here: the alternatives - i.e. the Children’s Homes are in bad shape and are not conducive for children's development and wellbeing.”

On foster homes, Pinki Virani, the author of Bitter Chocolate: Child Sexual Abuse in India says, “We don’t have a system as yet. And it’s not a utopian solution. But we certainly need to start laying the groundwork for foster care since it will be required once the Protection of Children from Sexual Offences Bill, 2011 becomes law. It is now in the Rajya Sabha, after deliberation — and what one sincerely hopes will be several corrections — will go the Lok Sabha. Meanwhile, let us understand that this is about what is best for the broken child. There might be the other parent (the mother/father) who has not actively colluded or blood relatives who can step in. The child cannot be yanked out, brutally, to a completely strange environment when the system is not in place to really let him, or her, feel safe thereafter.”

Adds Virani, “Aren’t we reading reports of severe physical and sexual abuse in government-run child-care homes? And thanks to the watchfulness of the media we also increasingly read — even though attempts are made by those organisations to cover-up because it would affect their funding — of paedophiles working in NGOs. So, at all times, as adults whose bounden duty is to protect our vulnerable children, we should watch out for not only the very first ‘bad touch’ but thereafter for the secondary victimisation which can sometimes prove to be even more damaging to the child’s psyche.”

Comments Vidya Reddy, Tulir Centre for the Prevention and Healing of Child Sexual Abuse (CPHCSA), “Parenting happens by default and if there was a test, not many would pass. Often, children of sex workers are taken away from their custody. They are not necessarily bad parents. What about rich children who kill people on the road in their Mercedes? Shouldn’t such parents be held responsible too? There are many cases of neglect in affluent society too.”

The law needs to look at things in a holistic way. Vidya adds, “In a recent case, the father was accused of incest, but the mother was arrested too as an accomplice. Now, the child may turn hostile in court, knowing her mother is at risk too.” What if a rapist father returns home after serving his sentence? “Nobody can do anything if the family takes him back,” remarks Vidya. Time for the social agencies to step in?

Here come the lady dons!

Gangster’s moll Monica Bedi; Neeta Naik, a woman who pushed her London-educated engineer husband into crime and was later shot dead by his hired assassins; Jenabai Daruwala, who advised both Haji Mastan and a young Dawood Ibrahim; Gangubai, the larger-than-life brothel owner… from peddling drugs, to giving orders for murders, these women used wile and cunning to make their underworld journey. Crime journalist S Hussain Zaidi, who has written the book, Mafia Queens of Mumbai — Stories of Women From The Ganglands, with colleague Jane Borges, talks about lady dons to Anuradha Varma

What is the fundamental difference between the rajas and ranis of the underworld? Is the lady don more ruthless?

As I explained in the introduction of my book, they are more determined, focussed, devious and know the weaknesses of men. These women actually exploited these shortcomings for achieving their nefarious goals. Jenabai Daruwali and narco queen Papamani are two examples of women who ruled the roost in their respective groups because they knew that men are no match for their cunningness and chutzpah 

Out of the women you rediscovered, are there any whose stories made you feel respect, touched you emotionally or stayed with you for their cold-bloodedness?

Sapna Didi remains my all-time favourite. None can show the courage to stand up to a powerful don like Dawood and survive for so many years. Also, the way she plotted to kill him was audacious. The woman went to extreme lengths to avenge her husband’s killing and did not rest until she herself got killed.

Which character did you find most fascinating?

I find Jenabai's character multi-dimensional and a representation of all the negative qualities that a woman can develop in herself and use it to manipulate the world.

Are there any characters that you and Jane had to leave out of the book? How many such lady dons did you ultimately unearth?

All these women were subjects of my stories since my crime reporting days. And since the last 15 years I wanted to write a detailed story on them. There were several about whom I wanted to write like Lallan Bhabhi, whom I mentioned in my introduction; she was touted as the queen of black gold or adulterated petrol. Then I missed out on Lakshmi Thakur who was an ace blackmailer and had conned many a rich kid by secretly filming them when they visited her bordello. But since I could not get enough documents on them and also their victims were not willing to talk about them, I had to leave them out. Maybe I can add them in my subsequent editions.

Are the motivations of the women different? Many of the women you profiled entered into it due to circumstances, but once in there, they seemed to thrive. What drives them to crime?

Actually, most of them, except for wives of dons and Manisha, were victims of circumstances. I think their secret of success is the widespread notion that they are the weaker sex. They capitalize on this in a major way. They know that, even if arrested, cops cannot unleash third degree torture on them or kill them in a fake encounter. The courts will have a lenient attitude towards them. Also, once if they can convince the justice machinery that they were forced into it, they will easily get bail. Thus, they are emboldened and go on to commit crime with impunity. Like Jenabai or Gangubai were rarely arrested or put behind bars except for a few days.

They were equally conscious of competition. For instance, Jenabai competed with ‘Aunty’ joints of Mumbai in her own manner, while Papamani clipped wings of her mentor Savitri and her confidante Jyoti Adiramalingam, knowing fully well that she cannot allow them to become bigger. Then all wives of dons wanted their husbands to reign supreme. So undercutting or turf wars were definitely part of their trade. 

What makes Mumbai the hotbed of the underworld?

Mumbai is the financial capital of the country. It attracts millions of people from all over the country seeking their livelihood in a legitimate manner. Similarly, the criminals know that Mumbai's roads are paved with gold. It’s a city which is full of money and insecurities. Any man with a little bravado and bluster can make it big here. Play on the insecurities of affluent people and they are ready to loosen their purse strings. Hence the gangs were formed, rich people were threatened and the underworld began making brisk business. Incidentally, Mumbai is also the epicentre of prime real estate and capital of Bollywood industry. The underworld sees all this as a big opportunity for making a killing.

This is your second book after Black Friday. How is the experience different this time round? Are you working on another book?

It was during the research on Black Friday that I realized that there are no books written on the Mumbai Mafia. I was surprised that despite such stalwarts of crime journalists around no one bothered to document the stories of the Mumbai underworld unlike journalists in the UK or USA. And authorities, which include cops and lawyers, are absolutely non-cooperative when it comes to writing about Mafia.

This book was far easier to write because Black Friday was about the biggest terrorist act in the world until 9/11 happened. The research was complex, arduous and often daunting. Sifting through 10,000 pages of chargesheets, court evidence, FIRs, defence arguments, etc was mindboggling. This book was simple and easy. Also, when Jane came on board and supported me in research and interviews it became a cakewalk.

I am working on two more non-fiction books.

Do you think there is a market for non-fiction in India now? Is there increased interest in telling and reading such stories?

Of course, if non-fiction books are written in a lucid manner and in a way that is meant for everyone and not just academicians then it will be lapped up by everyone. I was surprised by the overwhelming response that Mafia Queens got from the younger generation who are in their early twenties. After it was published I had presumed it would only be picked up by mature readers in their forties. So, it shows that if the plots and narratives are handled deftly then everyone will read non-fiction books. 

Is there a film possibility based on the book?

Yes, there are two big names in Bollywood who are interested in portrayal of these women on celluloid. I have already signed up a contract with one and am in advanced negotiations with the other. There are also a couple of television people who wanted to serialize the stories of these women for the small screen.

Who are your favourite crime and non-fiction writers? Is there any kind of writing that you look up to, which inspires your own style?

Gabriel Garcia Marquez is my favourite non-fiction writer. I like the storytelling technique of John Grisham and Jeffrey Archer. These authors tell their stories in scenes or screenplay format rather than in a dull, prosaic manner.

http://idiva.com/interviews-work-life/meet-these-lady-dons-from-the-underworld/4645/1

Epic Recall

Today’s woman may believe she has come a long way, but she still has lessons to learn from her epic counterparts, discovers Anuradha Varma

We may love it or rail against it, but when it comes to Indian mythology, we can’t ignore it! It finds resonance in our personal lives. There are those odd moments when the fiery resolve of Draupadi and the inner strength of Sita offer inspiration.

The urban woman, juggling a career and kids, tied to her Blackberry, and used to having her say on all important issues, seems a far cry from the women in epics, whose destiny was inevitably tied to that of her husband’s.

Writer Manjula Padmanabhan says, “The female characters were generally presented as so meek, goody-goody and self-effacing, it was hard to identify with them; I aligned myself with the heroes and I liked Arjuna best; he seemed the most recognisably human.”

Dancer Mayuri Upadhyay relates to Parvati for her contemporariness. She says, “It goes beyond religion. She is a source of strength as Kali and doesn’t hesitate to let her husband Shiva know when she is upset. She is raw, nurturing and knows what she wants. She tells us to take control and not complain.”

Resilience, Not Revenge
Shivani Wazir Pasrich, who played the Pandava queen in her theatre production Draupadi — We Are So Different Now is a self-confessed fan of the leading women in mythologies. She says, “Their stories that cannot be forgotten, especially because these stories are being lived in different permutations and combinations even today.” In her play, Shivani’s Draupadi helps a contemporary woman, a victim of social abuse, choose resilience over revenge.

Shivani adds, “The woman who has a child out of wedlock — the angst she faces, the decision she makes and the consequences she has to live with — this Kunti lives even today! Parvati, Shivani, Bhavani and so many more fall in love, live and die for love. We do it all even today and we find strength in the brave actions of strong women from the past. I believe the past is a platform to learn from and live differently.”

While Draupadi may have acquiesced to her mother-in-law Kunti’s diktat of consorting with five brothers, the lady famously laid down a rule of her own — none of them could bring a wife into the same house. She also maintained an independent and abiding friendship with Krishna, her true soulmate.

 
And when we perceive Sita as the embodiment of Indian womanhood — self-sacrificing and chaste — we may not be getting the whole story. As Jalabala Vaidya, puts it: “Sita broke all norms to accompany her husband Rama into a 14-year exile. She walked thousands of dangerous miles, and successfully pitted her will against Ravana, the most powerful man of his time. Valmiki tells us she ordered her agni pariksha or trial by fire, in fury to punish Rama for suggesting that she could live anywhere but with him on their return to Ayodhya. That brought him to his senses.”

Brave And Liberated
Adds Vaidya, “Kunti ordered the Pandavas to share the woman they had won, Draupadi; I wonder if influenced by her own experience? Savitri confronted Yama, the God of Death, to get back Satyavan. Parvati did a long penance to gain the attention of Shiva: won him and kept him! How many of us are brave enough or ‘liberated’ enough to do what they did?”

And, while on the Ramayana, if Ravana, king of Lanka, had heeded wife Mandodari’s advice to leave Sita alone, things would’ve turned out quite differently. Amsterdam-based musician Patrick Jered, who is researching for a book on Ravana, reveals: “ In Sri Lanka there is a growing women’s movement which see Ravana’s sister Surpanaka as role model for a strong-minded assertive woman, the opposite of the ‘obedient wife’ figure of Sita.”

Strong And Assertive
However, Draupadi, with all her imperfections, remains a favourite with women. Says writer and chess player Shilpa Mehra, “For me, she’s the quintessential lover, the fiery princess, the merciful nurturer-mother, the survivor.”

Theatreperson Sohaila Kapur says, “I can relate to Draupadi. I admire her courage in living with five men and still being her own person, strong yet supple like a young branch. Sita and Savitri are unidimensional; their purity and sense of duty is hard to emulate or understand. Parvati is a goddess and therefore not human but Kunti’s dilemma is so contemporary — how does one relate to a child born out of wedlock? ”

The women continue to inspire… from Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni’s The Palace of Illusions that retells the Mahabharata war through the eyes of Draupadi or Amish Tripathi’s The Immortals of Meluha, where a diffident Shiva tries his best to attract the attentions of the independent, talented and extremely standoffish Sati. And, yes, turn on reality television, and it’s a woman readying to choose a husband through a nationwide swayamwar… time for an epic recall?

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Strong Women 

(by Amish Tripathi)

I have imagined a different interpretation of Lady Sati in my book, The Immortals of Meluha. An interpretation where I see her as a strong woman with a mind of her own. Her husband, Shiva, loves and honours her as an equal. While the hugely popular Tulsidasji’s Ramcharitmanas — a 16th century modernisation of the original tale of Rama shows Sita as submissive and docile, the original Ramayana, by Maharishi Valmiki, has a much stronger Sita, portrayed as a woman with a mind of her own. The Gond Ramayani shows Sita fighting battles.

There is a Deobandi fatwa which says that it is unlawful for Muslim women to work in areas where men also work. I don’t know how many non-Muslims know the story of the illustrious Khadija, who ran a hugely successful trading business in ancient Arabia and donated large sums to charity. She was to later marry one of the agents who worked for her, Muhammad Ibn Abdullah, and her husband honoured and loved her.

We know her husband today as Prophet Muhammad. Perhaps liberal Muslims should quote the example of Lady Khadija to those amongst their coreligionists who think women should be kept suppressed.

http://www.speakingtree.in/public/view-article/Epic-Recall

A Tibetan dream

Taiwanese American Wen Yan's social networking site will bring Tibetans and Chinese together to share personal stories. 

Ask anyone in McLeodganj in Dharamshala for the Common Grounds Cafe and you will be directed to the cosy hangout where people from different continents meet to chat over a cup of Tibetan tea. But the cafe is only the beginning for 27-year-old Wen Yan, who calls herself Taiwanese American, an identity that has helped her marry different cultures. Her grandparents were Chinese refugees in Taiwan and her parents moved to the US when she was six.

Both chefs, they came down to help Wen set up the cafe. Growing up in Minnesota, Wen visited Dharamshala and McLeodganj during school trips and for volunteer work. As she finished college, she began to question her own contribution in the scheme of things. While her brother pursues the good things in life as a real estate agent in the US — "We're very different," laughs Wen — she plans her most ambitious project so far, The Common Grounds Project, a social networking interface for Tibetans and Chinese youth to connect.

McLeodganj has been home for over two years now. How is it living among Tibetans in Dharamshala? She says, "I visited Tibet when I was 19-years-old and could sense the tension when people there spoke to me. They thought I was visiting from mainland China. Here, I am seen more as an American than Chinese. I won't call Dharamshala home, but it's definitely becoming a home away from home." She adds, "The Dalai Lama never turns away Chinese groups who want to meet him. And he stresses on peaceful dialogue between both communities. Things are changing here, from the time five years ago when Tibetans broke a projector in a cinema hall which screened a documentary on the Tiananmen Square protests."

Her website will be a one-stop destination for Tibetans and Chinese looking for news and videos on their lands. Explains Wen, "Last year, several Chinese groups attended the Tibetan support conference in Delhi. Government-level discussions have proved to be useless; it's time for people to discuss their personal stories. You can argue over politics and views, but you can't argue with a person talking about his life, his struggles.

http://www.speakingtree.in/public/view-article/A-Tibetan-dream

A Transition

Death can be a complex concept for children to handle, but not if elders deal with it gently, says Anuradha Varma 

From killing off villains in video games or encountering tales of orphans and evil stepmothers, death is not an alien theme for children familiar with the virtual world. But come to the real world and death is generally considered a concept “too complex” for a child to understand.

However, experts believe it is important to introduce the concept to children at an early age. Psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria is reminded of the time her daughter was three-and-a-half years old and her pet parrot died. Chhabria recalls, “She cried all night and the next morning, came up with, ‘I’m angry with Shiv bhagvan. He got an elephant’s head for his son, but what about the poor elephant?’” Chhabria, not sure how to react, wrote a note for the teacher to discuss it with the child. She says, “The teacher addressed the concept beautifully with a class of three-year-olds and told them how different faiths viewed it differently and it meant the person had a new body. My daughter returned with a smile on her face, saying, ‘The bird got bored with his body and now has a new one’.”

Neither Heaven Nor Hell
Talking to children about different faiths and how they view the concept of death helps initiate a dialogue. Says Tibetan freedom activist Tenzin Tsundue, “Buddhism doesn’t promise heaven or hell. Death is quite cool…. It’s the end of one life and start of another, and kids can learn about death from an early age. Nurturing children on the romance of life as an unending fairytale is not only misleading but can be dangerous. You are treating children with condescension if you think that they can’t understand complex issues like love and death. In fact, they do.”

Osho recommended that education must have five dimensions, which includes the art of dying. He says, “In the fifth dimension, you can know that there is no death, so that you can become aware of an eternal life inside you. This should be absolutely essential, because everybody has to die; nobody can avoid it.” According to Ma Prem Naina, of Osho World Foundation, “Everybody is afraid of death and that is contagious. People just don’t want to talk about death and children start getting infected by this constant fear all around.” She adds, “Osho says, ‘Make the child aware of the mystery. If the child’s heart becomes enquiring, that’s enough; that’s all parents can do for the child. Then children will seek their own answers in their own way’.”

Talking Of The End
Says child counsellor Vatsala Shivasubramanian, “By the time children are three, they have encountered a pet dying or seen a flower wilting. It’s important to talk about such events. If a grandfather dies, a child wonders where he has gone…there are huge questions, which have to be addressed. Children can have very profound questions and can wonder — ‘Will I die?’ ‘Will my parents die?’ Hug them, talk to them about the future and how you will be there when they grow up and marry, and that death comes when one is old and unhealthy. It’s not necessary for them to know that death can come to the young and healthy as well.”

When someone dies, it’s important to tell a child that they won’t be coming back. Death is not a sleep-like state from which one can be awakened like Sleeping Beauty in the fairy tale. Chhabria recommends, “Sometimes, you can tell them that they become a star! Visiting a crematorium may be tough to handle, but they can definitely be part of the ceremonies.”

When A Parent Dies
In case of losing a parent, if the issue is not handled well, a child can also blame himself for a parent’s death. Teachers should also talk to other children on how to deal with a bereaved child. Says Chhabria, “I had a 26-year-old patient, who was depressed. I traced it to his childhood when he was about 14 and his father had died of a heart attack. Just before that, the father had scolded him over studies. Ever since, he blamed himself for his father’s death.”

Says children’s author Deepa Agarwal, “Most children as young as four can grasp the finality of death through stories and learn to deal with their feelings of loss, loneliness or guilt. I recall from my own childhood that a ritual like burying the animal can help to bring closure. When my daughter lost a classmate as a teenager, it was an extremely traumatic experience for her because at that age, you almost feel immortal or believe that only old people die. But by talking about it with her classmates she was able to come to terms with it better.”

The Nachiketa Story
Mythologist Devdutt Pattanaik rcommends the story of Nachiketa from the Katha Upanishad for children. As an old, rich man distributes gifts to Brahmins, his son Nachiketa watches. When he points out to his father that he is giving out things of no value, the exasperated father warns that he will give him away to death. Nachiketa decides to look for death and finally, ends up at the house of Death. Death isn’t home, but his wife invites him in. Nachiketa refuses and decides to fast till Death arrives. After three days, Death comes and Nachiketa says, “My father has given me to you”. Death explains that he is too young, and touched, asks him for a wish. Realising that death will come, whether he is a king or a beggar, Nachiketa decides to ask a question instead, “When you come, am I going to die really or is it just a facade? Am I just going to change bodies like houses? You have to tell me the truth.” Death confesses that he only changes “old, rotten bodies and minds and gives them new bodies”. A few who have lived so totally and so consciously, don’t need to come back at all, and become a part of the cosmos. Nachiketa realises he has nothing to be afraid of and death is just a fiction!

The story holds a lesson for children and adults too!

http://www.speakingtree.in/public/view-article/A-Transition

Mentor And Healer

Goa-based Patrick

A spiritual master has the power to minister with compassion and insight, reports Anuradha Varma




Your guru could be your friend, philosopher, guide and therapist — helping you navigate life here and after. That’s because she is probably more than a knowledge-giver; she is an empathetic listener and counsellor, too. Above all, she is non-judgemental.

For single mother Prerna (not her real name), who is fighting for her daughter’s custody, a chance meeting with Goa-based healer Patrick Sanfrancesco changed her life. “I was as low as low can be. I was looking for answers, couldn’t make sense of my life and wanted guidance. Patrick taught me to look outward, and stop focusing on my life and problems. I gradually moved from my self-created hell to a self-created heaven,” says the gritty young woman.

When Prerna first saw Patrick, she was struck by the happiness he radiated, his kindness, and the way he was there for everyone. She knew she had to change her lifestyle. Now, she runs five schools for less privileged children and says, “My universe has expanded. My own child is so much happier; my family is so much bigger.”

Path Of Self-discovery
Sometimes, it takes a guru to help you find the happiness that’s locked away in your heart. Most families in India encourage confiding in a religious leader or spiritual guru. But consult a psychiatrist and you could come back with a stigma that’s not easy to get rid of — the ignorant think it means ‘you have lost your mind.’ The expertise of a guru and a medical practitioner or psychologist can be complementary. As pychiatrist Seema Hingorrany says, “A guru can lead you towards self-discovery. When we teach clients self-soothing techniques, we encourage them to attend satsangs. Introspection becomes easier with the guru’s help.”

However, overdependence is unhealthy, cautions Dr Hingorrany. “If you spend the whole day listening to her voice on a cassette, feel an intense urge to run to the guru at all times, and you start to neglect your family, it’s time to slow down. Strike a balance between the real and the spiritual world,” she advises.

Best Friend And Guide
For mediaperson Suparna (name changed), her guru is someone who helps her stay stable through life’s toughest challenges. She says, “Maitreya came to me as a friend. He guided me through the three biggest events in my life. My mother lived in a vegetative state for years and my life revolved around taking care of her. He was the first to advise me to let go. When my mother was freed of her suffering, I found great inner strength to cope with the loss. Soon after, Maitreya warned me to be ready for another loss, of my father. This time I was more accepting. When the day came, Maitreya was there to guide me through it. The final test came when I met with a near-fatal accident. He not only pulled me out of the most critical phase but asked me to make simple changes in myself. Suparna adds, “A guru becomes special because of his compassionate, giving and understanding nature. That’s what I see in Maitreya, and this helps me evolve into a better person.”

Guru Helps You Focus
When Sreemoyee Piu Kundu decided to take a sabbatical to write her book, she approached her guru, a lama. “He asked me why I was unsure about taking up something I knew would give me happiness. Why not just do it? I realised I was so used to being someone else, it was difficult to connect with the real me.” For Kundu, her guru is keeper of her conscience and is not necessarily clad in saffron robes.

For cosmetics entrepreneur Shahnaz Husain, it was her father. She says, “If there is a god on earth I worshipped, it was my father. I remember when I returned from abroad and showed him all my certificates from London, Paris and New York, he said, “You have made all the preparations for this world. What have you done for the next world?” I laughed and said, “I am very young, I can wait.” He smiled and said “Shahnaz, the only certainty in life is death! Don’t wait, start now.” So I started our free beauty-training course for speech and hearing-impaired girls and boys.”

Leading By Example
A guru is someone whose life is an example for others to emulate. Says a reporter from Dharamsala, “When I observe the Dalai Lama, I learn to slow down. I’m inspired by the way he conducts himself in public, even if he’s in a hurry, he makes each interaction, however short, meaningful and intimate.”
Television actor Ravi Dubey turned to the teachings of Buddhist philosopher Daisaku Ikeda as a dejected teen. He recalls, “I was mentally fragile and the smallest setback could crush me. I read his autobiography, which was truly inspiring. Even in the midst of turmoil, his spirit shone and he became an inspiration for others. His powerful life force turned things around for the better. A guru is someone who dispels darkness.”

The non-judgemental presence of a spiritual mentor can be a source of constant inspiration. A guru can hold up a mirror, where you can see yourself for what you are, warts and all. Says entrepreneur Divita Kanoria, “I can talk to him about my pains, phobias and problems and he listens to me with a gentle smile. His blessings give me strength and I feel I have shed my emotional and mental burdens.”

Confess Without Fear
A spiritual mentor is someone who looks at life from a more evolved plane and so can help us gain perspective. New Age guru Deepak Chopra says, “I don’t consider myself a guru. I am someone who believes that consciousness is a field of potentiality that can be explored with the same rigour as mathematics or biology. There are ‘spiritual’ solutions to all problems and they have only one principle ‘Know thyself’. In general, people are confused. If people spent a little time alone and reflected, they would not need therapists, gurus or confessionals.”

Sri Amma Bhagavan of Oneness University says, wellness is a state of harmony of body, mind and consciousness. The journey inward enables a person to accept herself for what she is. He says, “In this journey, you start from where you are and not from where you want to be.”

Clearly, your guru can do a lot for you: She could help you sort out your life and find inner calm. But choose the right spiritual master, one who helps simplify life and leads you to joy. Remember, too that she is no replacement for a psychiatrist in cases where medical attention is necessary.

http://www.speakingtree.in/public/view-article/Mentor-And-Healer

Not so happily ever after!

Fairytales, with their adult themes, continue to fascinate children and adults. Anuradha Varma finds out why

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest

And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.

I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bullshit. Stop lying.

Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.

 

So, you thought fairytales and bedtime tales were only for kids? Here’s news — the “children’s book for adults” Go The Fuck to Sleep, written by a frustrated father trying to put his kid to bed, climbed to No 1 on bestseller lists and also became a viral hit. And not long ago, Fables, created by Bill Willingham, which puts fairytale characters in modern New York, also had adult readers hooked. Much like Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up, it seems we all have a kid within us who never grew out of reading about our favourite characters.

Whimsical & contemporary

Says author Deepa Agarwal, “When I read Go the F to Sleep, I said, ‘God, this is what was actually going through my mind all those times my kids wouldn’t go to sleep.’ This book provides the catharsis so many of us need when we can’t be perfect around our children. Using the format of a children’s picture book drives the point home more effectively.” Says graphic novelist Sarnath Banerjee, “It brings in the contemporary anxiety of parenting. Its whimsicality makes it attractive to be parent.”

Radio jockey and comic book enthusiast Mihir Joshi is a fan of the Fables series. He says, “If you’re a lover of comics, I don’t think you'll ever get over fairytales. Imagine your favourite fairytale characters in a dark gangster/fantasy/film noir setting...and that's what Fables is.”

Not so happily ever after!

J.M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan said, “Nothing that happens after we are twelve matters very much.” That perhaps explains our fascination with fairytales. And who says fairytales are for kids anyway? Much of the original content had to be toned down when told to children. The Little Mermaid in Hans Christian Andersen’s original tale comes on land after drinking a potion that makes her feel like she is walking on knives all the time, but the prince goes ahead and marries someone else anyway, and she throws herself into the sea. In one version of Cinderella, the stepsisters lock her in a closet while they saw off their toes to fit into the glass slipper. In The Red Shoes, the little vain girl has to cut off her feet as they won’t stop dancing! As for Snow White, the original German version by the brothers Grimm has the wicked queen fatally punished by being made to dance wearing a pair of red-hot iron shoes until she falls over dead. And Jack may have been a thief and Little Red Riding Hood a seductress!

Welcome to the real world

So, what purpose do fairytales really serve? Morals were often appended to fairytales when they were rewritten for children, according to Mary Tatar, who teaches Folklore and Mythology at Harvard University and is the author of Enchanted Hunters: The Power of Stories in Childhood, Off with Their Heads! She says, “Fairytales connect with all kinds of adult secrets. They tell children about death, which is something that adults talk about in hushed tones. They tell them about romance and marriage and in some cases, they'll tell them about sex and violence."

Remarks author and mother of a three-year-old Madhuri Banerjee, “I have found that the popular fairytales need to be toned down. They were probably meant to scare children into doing things the adults wanted. If you trespassed, you would be punished like Goldilocks. If you didn't keep your promise, Pied Piper would take you away. Adults are fascinated with them because it keeps their kids busy and each story can be interpreted in a kinky way.”

Adds Sarnath, “Kids are cruel by nature… they’re lovable yet petrifying! Much of children’s literature is written by adults who think they knew what children want. My personal favourite is Vikram and Betaal… the setting is fantastic, where the king has to pick up a corpse from a tree. We need to revive our stories.”

A twist in the plot

There are some feminist versions of fairytales around too. The Paper Bag Princess, first published in 1980, rescues her not-so-charming prince from a dragon and then dumps him when he criticizes her for not being dressed like a princess. Modern-day Princess Bubble achieves her personal happily-ever-after even before she meets her Prince Charming! The plot gets a bit twisted in Just a Plant, where parents introduce their little girl to the benefits of marijuana.

It’s a mean world out there and looks like fairytales and lullabies are not afraid to admit it… remember the lullaby “Down will come baby, cradle, and all”? One British lullaby threatens that Bonaparte will “…beat you, beat you, beat you, And he'll beat you all to pap. And he'll eat you, eat you, eat you, Every morsel, snap, snap, snap.”

However, as G.K. Chesterton said, “Fairytales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”

And, parents, if you’re trying to put that kid to sleep, try telling a fairytale, one that you enjoy too!

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-07-03/people/29733035_1_fairytales-fables-bedtime-tales