Death can be a complex concept for children to handle, but not if elders deal with it gently, says Anuradha Varma
http://www.speakingtree.in/public/view-article/A-Transition
From killing off villains in video games or encountering tales of orphans and evil stepmothers, death is not an alien theme for children familiar with the virtual world. But come to the real world and death is generally considered a concept “too complex” for a child to understand.
However, experts believe it is important to introduce the concept to children at an early age. Psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria is reminded of the time her daughter was three-and-a-half years old and her pet parrot died. Chhabria recalls, “She cried all night and the next morning, came up with, ‘I’m angry with Shiv bhagvan. He got an elephant’s head for his son, but what about the poor elephant?’” Chhabria, not sure how to react, wrote a note for the teacher to discuss it with the child. She says, “The teacher addressed the concept beautifully with a class of three-year-olds and told them how different faiths viewed it differently and it meant the person had a new body. My daughter returned with a smile on her face, saying, ‘The bird got bored with his body and now has a new one’.”
Neither Heaven Nor Hell
Talking to children about different faiths and how they view the concept of death helps initiate a dialogue. Says Tibetan freedom activist Tenzin Tsundue, “Buddhism doesn’t promise heaven or hell. Death is quite cool…. It’s the end of one life and start of another, and kids can learn about death from an early age. Nurturing children on the romance of life as an unending fairytale is not only misleading but can be dangerous. You are treating children with condescension if you think that they can’t understand complex issues like love and death. In fact, they do.”
Osho recommended that education must have five dimensions, which includes the art of dying. He says, “In the fifth dimension, you can know that there is no death, so that you can become aware of an eternal life inside you. This should be absolutely essential, because everybody has to die; nobody can avoid it.” According to Ma Prem Naina, of Osho World Foundation, “Everybody is afraid of death and that is contagious. People just don’t want to talk about death and children start getting infected by this constant fear all around.” She adds, “Osho says, ‘Make the child aware of the mystery. If the child’s heart becomes enquiring, that’s enough; that’s all parents can do for the child. Then children will seek their own answers in their own way’.”
Talking Of The End
Says child counsellor Vatsala Shivasubramanian, “By the time children are three, they have encountered a pet dying or seen a flower wilting. It’s important to talk about such events. If a grandfather dies, a child wonders where he has gone…there are huge questions, which have to be addressed. Children can have very profound questions and can wonder — ‘Will I die?’ ‘Will my parents die?’ Hug them, talk to them about the future and how you will be there when they grow up and marry, and that death comes when one is old and unhealthy. It’s not necessary for them to know that death can come to the young and healthy as well.”
When someone dies, it’s important to tell a child that they won’t be coming back. Death is not a sleep-like state from which one can be awakened like Sleeping Beauty in the fairy tale. Chhabria recommends, “Sometimes, you can tell them that they become a star! Visiting a crematorium may be tough to handle, but they can definitely be part of the ceremonies.”
When A Parent Dies
In case of losing a parent, if the issue is not handled well, a child can also blame himself for a parent’s death. Teachers should also talk to other children on how to deal with a bereaved child. Says Chhabria, “I had a 26-year-old patient, who was depressed. I traced it to his childhood when he was about 14 and his father had died of a heart attack. Just before that, the father had scolded him over studies. Ever since, he blamed himself for his father’s death.”
Says children’s author Deepa Agarwal, “Most children as young as four can grasp the finality of death through stories and learn to deal with their feelings of loss, loneliness or guilt. I recall from my own childhood that a ritual like burying the animal can help to bring closure. When my daughter lost a classmate as a teenager, it was an extremely traumatic experience for her because at that age, you almost feel immortal or believe that only old people die. But by talking about it with her classmates she was able to come to terms with it better.”
The Nachiketa Story
Mythologist Devdutt Pattanaik rcommends the story of Nachiketa from the Katha Upanishad for children. As an old, rich man distributes gifts to Brahmins, his son Nachiketa watches. When he points out to his father that he is giving out things of no value, the exasperated father warns that he will give him away to death. Nachiketa decides to look for death and finally, ends up at the house of Death. Death isn’t home, but his wife invites him in. Nachiketa refuses and decides to fast till Death arrives. After three days, Death comes and Nachiketa says, “My father has given me to you”. Death explains that he is too young, and touched, asks him for a wish. Realising that death will come, whether he is a king or a beggar, Nachiketa decides to ask a question instead, “When you come, am I going to die really or is it just a facade? Am I just going to change bodies like houses? You have to tell me the truth.” Death confesses that he only changes “old, rotten bodies and minds and gives them new bodies”. A few who have lived so totally and so consciously, don’t need to come back at all, and become a part of the cosmos. Nachiketa realises he has nothing to be afraid of and death is just a fiction!
The story holds a lesson for children and adults too!
However, experts believe it is important to introduce the concept to children at an early age. Psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria is reminded of the time her daughter was three-and-a-half years old and her pet parrot died. Chhabria recalls, “She cried all night and the next morning, came up with, ‘I’m angry with Shiv bhagvan. He got an elephant’s head for his son, but what about the poor elephant?’” Chhabria, not sure how to react, wrote a note for the teacher to discuss it with the child. She says, “The teacher addressed the concept beautifully with a class of three-year-olds and told them how different faiths viewed it differently and it meant the person had a new body. My daughter returned with a smile on her face, saying, ‘The bird got bored with his body and now has a new one’.”
Neither Heaven Nor Hell
Talking to children about different faiths and how they view the concept of death helps initiate a dialogue. Says Tibetan freedom activist Tenzin Tsundue, “Buddhism doesn’t promise heaven or hell. Death is quite cool…. It’s the end of one life and start of another, and kids can learn about death from an early age. Nurturing children on the romance of life as an unending fairytale is not only misleading but can be dangerous. You are treating children with condescension if you think that they can’t understand complex issues like love and death. In fact, they do.”
Osho recommended that education must have five dimensions, which includes the art of dying. He says, “In the fifth dimension, you can know that there is no death, so that you can become aware of an eternal life inside you. This should be absolutely essential, because everybody has to die; nobody can avoid it.” According to Ma Prem Naina, of Osho World Foundation, “Everybody is afraid of death and that is contagious. People just don’t want to talk about death and children start getting infected by this constant fear all around.” She adds, “Osho says, ‘Make the child aware of the mystery. If the child’s heart becomes enquiring, that’s enough; that’s all parents can do for the child. Then children will seek their own answers in their own way’.”
Talking Of The End
Says child counsellor Vatsala Shivasubramanian, “By the time children are three, they have encountered a pet dying or seen a flower wilting. It’s important to talk about such events. If a grandfather dies, a child wonders where he has gone…there are huge questions, which have to be addressed. Children can have very profound questions and can wonder — ‘Will I die?’ ‘Will my parents die?’ Hug them, talk to them about the future and how you will be there when they grow up and marry, and that death comes when one is old and unhealthy. It’s not necessary for them to know that death can come to the young and healthy as well.”
When someone dies, it’s important to tell a child that they won’t be coming back. Death is not a sleep-like state from which one can be awakened like Sleeping Beauty in the fairy tale. Chhabria recommends, “Sometimes, you can tell them that they become a star! Visiting a crematorium may be tough to handle, but they can definitely be part of the ceremonies.”
When A Parent Dies
In case of losing a parent, if the issue is not handled well, a child can also blame himself for a parent’s death. Teachers should also talk to other children on how to deal with a bereaved child. Says Chhabria, “I had a 26-year-old patient, who was depressed. I traced it to his childhood when he was about 14 and his father had died of a heart attack. Just before that, the father had scolded him over studies. Ever since, he blamed himself for his father’s death.”
Says children’s author Deepa Agarwal, “Most children as young as four can grasp the finality of death through stories and learn to deal with their feelings of loss, loneliness or guilt. I recall from my own childhood that a ritual like burying the animal can help to bring closure. When my daughter lost a classmate as a teenager, it was an extremely traumatic experience for her because at that age, you almost feel immortal or believe that only old people die. But by talking about it with her classmates she was able to come to terms with it better.”
The Nachiketa Story
Mythologist Devdutt Pattanaik rcommends the story of Nachiketa from the Katha Upanishad for children. As an old, rich man distributes gifts to Brahmins, his son Nachiketa watches. When he points out to his father that he is giving out things of no value, the exasperated father warns that he will give him away to death. Nachiketa decides to look for death and finally, ends up at the house of Death. Death isn’t home, but his wife invites him in. Nachiketa refuses and decides to fast till Death arrives. After three days, Death comes and Nachiketa says, “My father has given me to you”. Death explains that he is too young, and touched, asks him for a wish. Realising that death will come, whether he is a king or a beggar, Nachiketa decides to ask a question instead, “When you come, am I going to die really or is it just a facade? Am I just going to change bodies like houses? You have to tell me the truth.” Death confesses that he only changes “old, rotten bodies and minds and gives them new bodies”. A few who have lived so totally and so consciously, don’t need to come back at all, and become a part of the cosmos. Nachiketa realises he has nothing to be afraid of and death is just a fiction!
The story holds a lesson for children and adults too!
http://www.speakingtree.in/public/view-article/A-Transition
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