The Widowhood Effect

Losing your partner in your twilight years is tough, says Anuradha Varma, but you need to move on.

Losing a spouse can be tough, that too when you are no longer young. Known as the Widowhood Effect, it leaves surviving spouses feeling lonely, lost and depressed.

Experts say that dependence on a spouse begins to increase once the children grow up and leave home. Losing a spouse means losing a confidante and companion. Clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany explains, "I hear many people say that they don't know who to share their problems with anymore. They feel the children are busy with their own families and work. They feel that no one can take the place of a spouse."
Those who lose a partner in their twilight years, she adds, "go through extreme loneliness and depression, which could lead to physiological problems. There is also insecurity that accompanies advanced age."

A time of great stress
Research shows that immense grief may cause many to die within three years of their spouse's passing away. Elderly care-giving spouses are at a 63 per cent greater risk of death than older people not caring for their mates, according to the American Medical Association.

In a study involving 58,000 married couples, researchers at St Andrews University found that 40 per cent of women and 26 per cent of men died within three years of their partner. A study published in the Internal Medicine Journal in 2009 also reported that such bereavement can cause elevated heart rates, particularly during the early weeks.

Lack of will to live
Shweta (name changed) remembers her father, in his late 70s, losing the will to live after her mother died. Any effort to elevate his mood remained unsuccessful. He passed away a year later. Another elderly gentleman in his 90s was leading an active lifestyle, but the death of his wife saw his health deteriorating. At times, even having a large family around doesn't help the grieving spouse.

Remarks psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria: "For some time, the partner may need some time and space to deal with the grief. Old memories hound you for a while, since you have spent almost your entire life with that person and shared everything, emotionally and physically, which makes the absence unbearable. You meet people or go to places which remind you of your spouse. Elderly couples report they don't feel like living themselves after their partner's loss. However, avoiding and isolating yourself is not an appropriate solution."

Get independent
Support structures play a crucial role here. Points out Chhabria, "Handling your spouse's responsibilities and liabilities once the person is no more causes more stress. Picking up the pieces without your partner may not be easy. However, dealing with loneliness, emptiness and the depression is most important."

People who are still active and independent tend to move on faster than the ones who have been financially and emotionally dependent on their spouses. How can one survive such loss? One way is to stay occupied and gain independence. Chhabria adds, "Spiritual discourses can help some become emotionally stronger. Actively participating in senior citizens' groups may help in forming new friendships. Health is of prime importance, so morning walks, temple visits, catching up with old friends should be encouraged."

Seema recommends, "One should try to cultivate hobbies like playing cards or doing social work. Building bonds with grandchildren also helps; help them with their homework or attend PTA meets."

Meet your peer group
Old age can be especially tough for those who lack meaningful attachments and feel isolated by society, trapped in a cycle of loneliness and lack of dignity. Faced with hopelessness, death seems welcome. Astrologer Bejan Daruwalla, who is now pushing 80, says, "Many times, senior citizens feel completely betrayed. They feel they have been let down, done in, by those they had nurtured when they were younger and had the strength to do so."

An encounter with Dignity Foundation showed Bejan that there was hope for the elderly. The Foundation, which works for empowerment of senior citizens, also runs a companionship programme for them in Mumbai, Chennai, Bangalore, Kolkata and Pune. Its founder Sheelu Srinivasan says, "We have volunteers, also seniors, who visit individuals in their homes. We get requests from many young people to help seniors living at home. Interaction with a peer group is very important. A person who loses a spouse at this stage in life can be very lonely. Sharing stories with similar people, giving vent to their emotions, rescues them from the brink of hopelessness." They also organise regular daily sessions of activities such as yoga, meditation and Tai Chi termed 'Kalyan Mitrata' on the Buddhist principle of "welfare for all," encouraging bonds with deep empathy.
Ultimately, it's all about relearning how to enjoy the little joys of life!

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-&-style/spirituality/holistic-living/Learning-to-live/articleshow/11168361.cms

Vegetarian — Or Not?

Raising a child to be vegetarian or dealing with one while one parent enjoys meat can be confusing. You enjoy your fish, while your spouse digs his veggies…or you both enjoy meat, while it makes your child queasy. How do you guide your child’s eating choices, without passing value judgements?

When Vijayluxmi Bose’s son was young, he refused to touch his meat and found fish smelly — a very difficult situation indeed for a Bengali family. He equated meat with animals and the sight of meat on his plate brought images of animals being slaughtered.

Despite pressure from well-meaning relatives and friends, Bose decided to let her son be. However, she says, “He now has eggs and occasionally kebabs. But if there’s a choice between rajma and korma, he’ll choose the former.” He’s also been explained that it may be discourteous to refuse meat as a guest at someone’s house, when veggies may be a more expensive option or when they rarely figure as part of the menu.

Parents’ Dilemma

It’s tough for parents to walk the talk when it comes to raising kids as ‘veggies’, even when the choice is made for them. A young mother, a vegetarian, shares her dilemma, “My husband is a hardcore non-vegetarian and I don’t even eat eggs, so I had my task cut out when my daughter was old enough to understand. However, we are of one opinion that she doesn’t really need to eat meat now and it will be entirely her choice once she is old enough.”

Leaving it to the child to decide may work in some cases, but is easier said than done for others. Sumita Thapar’s parents decided to allow their three children to choose to eat meat if they wished despite being vegetarians themselves. She states, “Today, two of us remain hardcore vegetarian. One of my brothers enjoys his mutton, and my little nephew counts bacon as his favourite food. Fine by all of us.”

Having a set of parents, one vegetarian, and the other ‘non-veg’, can make for a confused child. Priya Cassens rewinds to her childhood, “The child wants to emulate the parents’ eating habits and doesn’t know what to do. While Mom was vegetarian and we are vegetarians by caste, Dad had opportunities to sample meat dishes at the neighbours’, growing up in north India.

My parents never discouraged me from eating meat, but it was never really ever prepared at home and if Dad ever wanted to cook chicken occasionally, Mom asked him to use separate utensils and dishes.”

She adds, “So while I had been introduced to meat at a very early age and even liked the taste of it, I think watching my Mom not eat it, and not even like the smell of it, made me feel uncomfortable about eating meat.” While her brother grew up unreservedly relishing meat-based dishes, she chooses chicken and fish only if there isn’t “a good vegetarian alternative”.

Confusing Rules And Standards

For parents who want to ensure their children stay vegetarian, how do they explain to a child that it’s wrong to kill animals when one parent eats meat? Psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria believes there’s no perfect way to do this. She says, “The child wonders why there are different rules or standards set for him and his parent. In order to deal with this situation, you can start by telling your child that different individuals tend to follow different eating habits for different reasons.

One has learnt from childhood that eating meat is okay, however, the other has learnt that eating meat involves killing animals which is morally incorrect. You can emphasise on the positive aspects of eating vegetarian food. For instance, it’s healthier and easier to digest. Also, it is important that you focus on the eating behaviour and don’t give any labels to the parent, such as: ‘he’s doing wrong, it doesn’t mean you do it, too’.”

And, how do you deal with emotional children, once they make the connection that meat comes from animals they love reading about or see around them? Chhabria adds, “If the child is very attached emotionally to, say, a toy duck that she plays with while having a bath, you need not explain how the animal is killed and made into meat.

Also, you can give the child a scientific and nature-based explanation as to how the ecosystem maintains its balance when people eat farm food as well as animals. It’s important that the parent helps the child understand that there is no sin in eating meat.” It’s wise to allow the child to explore and take her own decision.

Is Vegetarianism Good?

Meanwhile, is a purely veggie diet good for kids? Explains Delhi-based dietician Beena Arora, “The nutritional needs of children change, as they grow. A vegetarian diet can meet a child’s nutritional needs, but only if it is well-planned. A diet rich in fruits and veggies will be high in fibre and low in fat, factors known to improve cardiovascular health by reducing blood cholesterol and maintaining a healthy weight.

If your child insists on pizzas or burgers, make it at home and include as many veggies as you can.”

She cautions, “Some of the nutrients that vegetarians should include in their diet are: vitamin B12 — present in dairy products and vitamin-fortified products like cereals and bread; vitamin D — present in citrus juices;

Calcium — dairy products, green leafy vegetables, tofu and other soy products being the rich source; Iron — whole grains, leafy green vegetables, and iron-fortified cereals, bread and Zinc — wheat germ, nuts, fortified cereal, dried beans, and pumpkin seeds.”

It’s a balancing act, in more ways than one! Ultimately, it’s a matter of choice.

http://www.speakingtree.in/view-article/Vegetarian-Or-Not