On the couch

ANURADHA VARMA, Jul 18, 2010, 12.00am IST

Almost half the cases in a psychiatrist’s chamber relate to extra-marital affairs. We find out why
A child pressured by friends into getting her first kiss, a woman drawn into an extra-marital affair, a husband on the brink of physical abuse… these are some of the cases dealt with on a psychiatrist’s couch.


In a fast-forward generation, with people living for themselves, patience is thin and so is staying power in relationships. From teen angst to the elderly feeling misfits in today’s society, the cases are going up. Extra-marital affairs count for among the highest number of cases that people take to a counsellor, a ‘paid friend’ for today’s busy couples to talk out their problems. These are followed by mood disorders, depression and anxiety, even among adolescents.

In the last 10 years, emotional issues for children and youth have gone up four-fold. According to psychiatrist Jitendra Nagpal, “People tend to live in the virtual world, with little real communication and that creates loneliness. I have seven to eight couples coming to me every week for marital counseling, compared to just two about five to seven years back.” Many lifestyle diseases, like diabetes and hypertension are also stress-related.

Psychiatrist H L Kaila affirms, “Premarital and extra-marital sex have gone up by 12-15 percent in the last five years. People want to live for today and are more open and willing to experiment.”
Lack of communication pushes couples to go their own ways, build walls around their individual spaces, till there is no way to connect with each other. Says psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria, “All it needs for an affair is an sms saying, ‘You were looking good today’ or a Facebook message. Life is stressful and a fling acts as a breather. Sex is casual and promiscuity is fun.”

People get married at later ages and are not willing to compromise. The attitude is of “I am what I am” and of “take it or leave it”! Varsha Patkar advises, “We all seek gratification of our needs. Sometimes, one just wants a warm hug in the morning from a partner and we expect the other to magically know it. We tell couples to tell each other what they need and translate love into action.”

A majority of Rajan Bhosle’s clients too consists of couples, who come for pre-marital and marital
counselling. He says, “They have seen marriages breaking up around them and, therefore, want to get it right.” As arguments increase in a marriage, sex takes a beating and desire wanes. Before they know it, there has been no intimacy for three months! Rajan adds, “People have unrealistic expectations of partners and of themselves. Everybody wants to change their partners, trying to match reality with the images in their heads.”

With increased awareness, we’re also all too aware of all the things that could go wrong. There’s a sense of disillusionment. Psychiatrist Rajiv Mehta says, “Increased awareness festers fear. I tell women to stop watching saas-bahu serials and men to stop watching the news, as there’s only bad news around.” Extra-marital affairs are common, he says, and most times, it’s a premarital partner who tends to slip into the folds of marriage.

Clinical psychologist Trupti Jayin finds people across all age groups coming for therapy. Depression is high, because of problems in love and marriage, which includes extra-marital affairs in more than half the cases.

More women suffer from depression than men and about 70 percent of women feel unfulfilled in a marriage and stay on since it’s the right thing to do. They’re fed up of compromising, reveals Trupti.
The good news is that the number of people seeking professional help has gone up. Twelve years ago, Rajan Bhosle remembers waiting for any patient to visit his clinic. Now, he says, it takes days to give an appointment. Seema Hingorrany adds, “There’s more awareness now. In 10 years, there has been an almost 75 percent rise in patient visits.”

Cases of depression are mounting, among adolescents too. Says Varsha, “I see teenaged girls under immense pressure to have a boyfriend, to be ‘cool’. They often get pushed into physical intimacy with friends asking them — ‘Have you kissed yet?’ What kids need is more communication and time with parents, as adolescence is a difficult time.”

Varsha says, “It’s a fast-forward generation, where if we want something, we want it now! We want our every need gratified. We’re always in a hurry. We need to slow down.”

While some problems can be cured with a pill, others need a lifestyle change or someone to talk it out with. As Rajan remarks, “Communication is the key… if you can talk it out, you don’t need a counsellor!”

Source: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life/relationships/man-woman/On-the-couch/articleshow/6176987.cms